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Vaxamaxx
Vaxamaxx is yellowy-clear viscous solution created by Prescott Pharmaceuticals for the intended purpose of relieving constipation in people that find most over the counter medications too harsh. Vaxamaxx WAS endorsed by Dr. Stephen Colbert DFA until he mistook it for bleach and added it in with his whites, causing not only his clothing to completely dissolve, but also eating a hole through the basin of his washing machine and part of his basement floor. Development Vaxamamm was accidentally created while attempting to find a more effective base chemical for acid washing paint off the side of building, similar to how Rogaine was discovered while researching heart medications, the only difference being that no one in the Rogaine Experiments ended up blind and sterile from the back splash. Vaxamamm is sold in one gallon, recycled milk jugs (Not the material the jugs are made of, but the actual jugs. Mrs. Bronsky's sole job is collect them from recycling bins on the side of the road, wash them out in her bathtub and bring them to the factory), but only has a shelf life of a couple of weeks due to the fact that Vaxamamm starts to eat away at the plastic almost immediately. History In the mid-Ninties, most OTC laxatives and stool softeners were taken off the market due to many of its habitual users completely lost their ability to poop due to atrophy of the colon muscles. According to the FDA, no drug with any similar long term effects can be sold in the U.S., so Prescott Pharmaceuticals scrambled to help the bloated, uncomfortably backed-up people this new regulation left to fend for themselves. Once we heard that "back-alley" enemas were being preformed outside cheese tasting art opening and many of the steak houses in the country (Reports of anal tearing due to poorly applied lubricant, only cursory cleansing of the enema nozzles inbetween customers and the refusals of even the smallest comforting hug afterwards draw attention to the dangers of such procedures), we obscenely bribed every official that would help push our new drug through testing, or rather, completely look the other way that there were none and, now, this miracle colon cleanser is avaliable to you the consumer (No pun intended). Using Vaxamaxx The process of ingesting Vaxamaxx is in two parts. The intended user of Vaxamaxx should first completely disrobe, since Prescott Pharmaceuticals is not responsibly for destruction, combustion or dissolution into skin of any clothing worn during use. The intended user should then take a 1 and 1/2 inch diameter, 15 foot long clear plastic tube, lubricate end with product of your choice (except KY jelly. Representatives at KY Products have asked us, or, rather, threatened us, to not associate our product with theirs, seeing as how the reports of our extremely brief animal testing trials {Which lasted only an hour before the sight and smell of the room caused most of our top scientists to quit, reciting various Christian prayers as they hurried out of the building, most unsuccessfully attempting to control their gag reflexes and crying} were deemed an affront to God as well as any rational, sane human being's sensibilities. Report's that the CEO of PETA, upon viewing a leaked video of the trials, actually had her head explode right off of her body have not yet been confirmed. Whether she is headless or not, she still continues to issue the usual orders to violent eco-terrorists and communicates with the press through printed statements. So far, her alleged decapitation has not effected the usual quality of her decisions, while some suggest that it may have improved them.). Insert tube into retcum until the snaking of tube is halted by the dead-ending of reaching the piloric sphincter. Take a work bench clamp from your garage and tie off tube three inches from your anus . Next, take other end of tube and tie medium thickness twine to the end without obstructing entry way. Then pour entire bottle of Vaxamaxx into the other end until bottle is empty. Next, throw ball of twine over a high rafter in your house (Do not use ceiling fan for obvious "Three Stooges" reasons). Collect ball and slowly pull on end until filled tube has straightened out and is suspended over your head. Next, take a bottle of Whiskey, preferably full, and up end that sucka until you don't care what you have stuck up your ass. Once this level of apathy has been reached, quickly, but carefully, undue the clamp. Initially, you will feel a momentary rush of cold as the liquid begins to fill your large intestines and colon. About thirty seconds in though, you will feel a certain measure of rising temperature. Do not be alarmed. This is only the initial effects of Vaxamaxx disolving your lover gastro-intestinal tract. Severe, blinding, shrieking pain with an accompanying burning sensation, typical of having napalm injected into your stomach, can occur. At this point, you may feel the urge to disenagage the tube and call for an ambulance. Avoid this at all costs. After ten minutes, Vaxamamm will have burned away most of you nerve ending before starting in on your circulatory system and a disconcerting, panic inducing brief numbness will set in. This is the time where you should head to the bathroom. Holding your self with the last of your strength above the toilet, aim anus at the basin and slowly pull out the tube. Once tube has been ejected, quickly sit on the toilet and watch as your obstruction is flushed from your system, easily and completely. You may notice what looks like chunks of recognizable internal organs will be accompanying your overdue bowel movement, along with what looks like parts of your vertebrae and pelvis. Do not be alarmed. That is exactly what you think it is. You also may notice that the half liquified streams of waste, bone and tissue continues to be released, even after you swear that your pooped yourself inside out. This is to be expected and is nothing to worry about. We say this because, at this point, there is nothing medical science could do for you. If you are still alive, awake and cognizant at the point where the evacuation of your colon is complete, please call us immediately, because you would be the first and we'd really like to ask you a few questions. This is mainly because, at this point, your body should have been reduced to nothing but a half eaten away flesh bag and the fact that you are still alive means that you should be considered nothing less than a medical miracle. Also, please do not use Vaxamaxx while eating peanut butter as this has been known to cause mild, allergic reactions. We would also ask that before you use our product, please fill in and mail us the customer satisfaction card, not that we care, but it does give us an address so Mrs. Bronsky can come by and collect the empty jug for later use. Please Note Our lawyers have informed us that we should avoid using the term "drug" in any descrition of our product, since technically, it is not. We just feel that "industrial solvent" doesn't communicate the confidence in Vaxamaxx we paid our ad department to inspire in you.